Crunch Time

Virtual Sex

In our accelerated and fragmented culture, teens and emerging adults have started to abandon dating in favor of "hooking up". This seems to be consistent with the freedom to have multiple partners as people have friends on their Facebook profile. 

An interesting article by Douglas Haddow in Adbusters, reveals that while dating is on the decline, the use of sex toys has risen sharply:  "There is a huge proliferation in "next-generation" sex dolls.  Primarily produced by RealDoll, these are life size, 100% silicone dolls that are highly detailed, fully customizable and provide a physical experience that users find comparable to actual sex.

"David Levy, Artificial Intelligence engineer and author of Love and Sex with Robots: The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships, believes that these dolls will rapidly evolve into full-blown robots and that robot-human relationships will become technologically possible and socially acceptable within a mere 20 years."

This technological quandary is creating confusion as to what it means to be fully human.  Our culture and capabilities are manufacturing desires to be less than human.  What does sex really mean when it is with a robot apart from human relationship?  It means that the robot we ultimately end up having sex with is our self. 

Parents who stalk their children

Here is an hilarious video highlighting attempts to connect across the generation gap. Enjoy:

The bittersweet, exhilarating, agonizing angst of change - daddy style

I am father.  I have three children, a son (14), and two daughters (12 &10).  They are growing up way too fast. Way. It's a reality of our perception that time really does "fly". From the overarching umbrella of our swift lifespan to the smaller moments underneath, time flies.

My grandmother passed away last week at the age of 90.  She always referred to the accelerated passage of time. As I age, I too am increasingly aware of that fact.

It's a bittersweet, exhilarating, agonizing angst. Change is inevitable and it takes courage to move through it wisely and with meaning. It requires persistent adaptation. For every wave of goodbye to a one moment is an inevitable hello to another (whether we like it or not).  My grandmother lived from moment to moment in the brief narrative of her life, each passing a bittersweet, exhilarating, agonizing angst - up until her final passage.

From the peculiar perspective of a father I am smack dab in the middle of this bittersweet turmoil. My son started high school this year.  He was home-schooled from sixth to eight grade.  I always joked that I was his junior high buddy then.  My wife could vouched for the often "immature" moments we shared together. Those days are gone...or at least transformed into something uncertain and new.

My daughters still have a bit of time in our home, as they grow up and learn.  But dang it, it's going fast. My youngest always wants a princess kiss, like in the movies, every night before she goes to bed. I'm going to indulge that desire as long as I can, because change happens swiftly and you just never know. I was recently introduced to a song by Steven Curtis Chapman entitled, "Cinderella". He lost his 5 year old  daughter Maria Chapman in a tragic accident in the family’s driveway.

I've included it here along with the lyrics at the bottom. It reminds me of the song "Cat's in the Cradle" (a real "angster" if you have sons) by Harry Chapin. If you're a father and you have young children (particularly daughters), I dare you to listen to it and not be overwhelmed with the angst...

Lyrics::
She spins and she sways
To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day
And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me
Saying "Dad, I need you

There's a ball at the castle
And I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "Dad, the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

She will be gone

Well, she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away
But I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

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Social Media Guidelines

Social media is changing the game in how we relate and how we work.  How to use it appropriately is still being explored.

Here are some of the official guidelines for social media at Intel.

If you participate in social media, please follow these guiding principles:

• Stick to your area of expertise and provide unique, individual perspectives on what's going on at Intel and in the world.
• Post meaningful, respectful comments—in other words, no spam and no remarks that are off-topic or offensive.
• Always pause and think before posting. That said, reply to comments in a timely manner, when a response is appropriate.
• Respect proprietary information and content, and confidentiality.
• When disagreeing with others' opinions, keep it appropriate and polite.

Finally, Intel strives for a balanced online dialogue. When they do moderate content, they moderate using three guiding principles:

The Good, the Bad, but not the Ugly. If the content is positive or negative and in context to the conversation, then they approve the content, regardless of whether it's favorable or unfavorable to Intel. However if the content is ugly, offensive, denigrating and completely out of context, then they reject the content.

Relating in the ecotone

We see examples of it all the time.  The transitional zone between ocean and land, forest and grassland, sidewalk and yard, even hairline and forehead.  The area of transition between two adjacent communities is called an 'ecotone'. It is a fertile place, containing species characteristic of both communities as well as species occurring only within the particular zone - ie, head lice and bacteria.

There are five generations alive today in the United States.  This has never happened before in the history of our society. As such we find ecotones in offices, classrooms, families, churches, and other places that contain not two, but five different species of human beings.

These transitional zones are fertile generational communities that require behavioral nutrients for them to thrive in healthy, dynamic, and organic ways. Work them in to your daily life:

Revisit Assumptions: You need to be in constant vigilance of your stereotypes. We all have them (blondes are dumb) but are they accurate? Constantly test your assumptions about other generations by prefacing your interactions with, "Help me understand".  It is a precursor to rich conversation and understanding.

Relax Control: Life is messy. Relationships are tough. Managing is stressful. 90% of the problems middle managers and above face are ambiguous. It usually is not clear what the problem is or what the solution should be.  So lighten up with one another. As that great philosopher of our age Jimmy Buffett intones, "If we all couldn't laugh we would all go insane".

Return to core values: You are who you were when. That is to say, the values that shape your behaviors, attitudes, and expectations were set by the time you were a sophomore in high school.  Some cultural values change over time, but what about you personally? What hasn't changed?  What are you really all about? What are your 'nos'?  Clarify your values so they aren't muddled for others.

Model the highest standards: This behavioral nutrient interfaces closely with core values. Behavior is ten times more important than words in building respect. Does your behavior align with your core values? In other words, how is your brain, mouth, and hand coordination?

Engage the other: This is easier said than done. It requires you to stretch and expand your behavioral repetoire. By expanding your engagement across the five age groups you become more effective across a larger number of situations. I always say everyone has the gift of eating. Invite someone younger or older than you to lunch today.

Friends and Aquaintances

It's fascinating to me that in this day and age of Myspace and Facebook there is no longer a relational category of "aquaintance".  Everyone is a "friend". 

The problem is, we aren't quite sure what a friend is.  Modern American friendships have lost the force and importance they once had. C. S. Lewis for example, in his The Four Loves, writes:

"To the Ancients, friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue. The modern world, in comparison, ignores it".

According to a 2006 study documented in the journal the American Sociological Review, since 1985 Americans are thought to be suffering a loss in the quality and quantity of close friendships. The study states 25% of Americans have no close confidants, and the average total number of confidants per citizen has dropped from four to two.

In the age of social networking, we are all alone.

But in the avalanche of ceaseless change, we need good friends to migrate with us through its intensity. In your social network who are your friends and who are your aquaintances.  The distinction is important. How do you know? 

To me, an aquaintence is more like a CEO. You know, the boss that keeps you on task, highlights the bottom line, and has the power to promote or demote depending on your performance.  They put conditions on your future behavior and leverage your vulnerabilities as a show of their managerial finesse in helping you.  

We all need people to play that role in our lives, but as aquaintances, not friends. A friend is uniquely suited to nurture your soul and invigorate your thinking.  It is a relationship of mutual caring and intimacy among one another. A friend is one who knows you as a person and regards you for who you are and not what he or she is looking for in a good friend. 

A friend suffers fools because we all are fools from time to time. Aquaintances don't put up with our crap for long. Friends do, thank God.  Savor the following quote from Frederick Buechner as you reflect on friends in your life.

“Your life and my life flow into each other as wave flows into wave, and unless there is peace and joy and freedom for you, there can be no real peace or joy or freedom for me. To see reality--not as we expect it to be but as it is--is to see that unless we live for each other and in and through each other, we do not really live very satisfactorily; that there can really be life only where there really is, in just this sense, love.”

It's On

Southwest Airlines launched a new Ad Campaign on June 1st aimed at tough times. At the end of the ad a narrator intones that the airline doesn't fly around tough times. It's on, and they're ready.

It's on for all us... 

It's on every time our minds persist in discouraging thoughts.

It's on every time we think we can go it alone without the comaraderie of those who care.

It's on every time we stubbornly refuse to admit our fear and hide behind a facade of platitudes.

It's on every time we avoid nourishing our souls with silent listening, contemplation, and transcedent faith.

It's on every time our decisions preclude others who are in greater need.

It's on every time we become too enamored with our technology to solve our problems.

It's on every time we rely on massive military might to secure our happiness.

It's on every time we stop taking initiative for the health of our relationships.

It's on every time we live without grace.

This is the time of our lives. It's tough. It's on. Are you ready?

The constants of change

My main focus over the last twenty years has been helping people effectively migrate through the quandaries of contemporary change.  Without a doubt, the recent perplexities we are encountering are unprecedented in their scope and the challenges for us is extraordinary indeed.

I've discovered too the irony that change is consistent in its effects.  The larger the scope of the change the greater these constants seem to become:

1) It is frightening: Change makes the world seem less predictable.

-Franklin D. Roosevelt's first inaugural address took on an unusually solemn, religious quality, and for good reason. By 1933 the depression had reached its depth and the nation was struggling. Roosevelt’s first inaugural address outlined in broad terms how he hoped to govern and reminded Americans that the nation’s “common difficulties” concerned “only material things.”  It is in this address he uttered the now infamous words, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself". 

We must learn to harness fear's energy and make it our heart's ally and not its enemy. 

2) It is threatening: Change implies that what exists now is inadequate

-We can get so confident in the way we've done things in the past, that it is can be a surprising and agonizing moment to discover that it no longer works for our current condition.  When we are threatened by change we usually choose one of three stances in reponse: Retreat, Retrench, or Relaunch.  For me relaunching is the most adventuresome and leads to richer discoveries and deeper redemption.

3) It is embarrassing: Change requires admitting and understanding our past errors.

-Being vulnerable is one of the most powerful attributes we can harness.  I believe it requires two elements: Humor and Honesty.  Laughing at ourselves is one the most mature defense mechanisms human beings have at their disposal.  In spiritual terms, it is the closest we can come to confession. Being vulnerable forces us to get to the heart of the matter in deliberately open ways. It means not pointing fingers at people or the past.  It means taking responsibility. Honestly interrogating our hearts during change is the first step in moving through change unencumbered by anxiety, insecurity and blame.

Let's get a little bit rowdy

My wife couldn't believe I've only seen this commercial once.  I haven't seen it again on television but I found it on Youtube (of course).  It warmed the cockles of my heart.