Crunch Time

Don't go it alone

It’s in the American DNA to romanticize the “rugged individualism” of the frontier cowboy, or the self-made millionaire.  Yet, when history is accounted for and research is taken into account, the ability to achieve and be successful is really a social and connected affair.

A resilient mindset depends on being connected with other people. For instance, people with low social support are prone to more mental illness. In fact, just merely imagining loneliness can negatively affect our behavior.  Even while sleeping and dreaming people’s minds are preoccupied with social relations. 

Six degrees of separation is the theory that anyone on the planet can be connected to any other person on the planet through a chain of acquaintances that has no more than five intermediaries.

With today’s extensive and inner-connected “human web”, the chain of acquaintances between us and any other person on the planet is now three.  Resilient people leverage those intimate social networks to increase opportunities for everyone.

Like an influenza outbreak, a recent study by James Fowler et. al. found that happiness spread in social networks, affecting people through those three degrees of separation.

For instance, a happy friend of a friend of a friend increases the chances of personal happiness by about 6%.  The same research also discovered that a $5000 income only bumped the odds of happiness by merely 2%.

Happiness spreads best at close distances. A happy next-door neighbor ups the odds of personal happiness by 34% and a friend within half a mile by a whopping 42%! 

Though people may have hundreds (if not thousands) of social connections via the internet, resilient people always keep a few close and intimate relationships within very close physical proximity and add value to those connections through contributing their own positive contributions to the mix.

A simple rule of thumb regarding human connection is this:

The more relationally significant a piece of information is the less technology you ought to use to communicate.

Call me old fashioned, but I still think a young man proposing to the love of his life ought to get down on one knee, look her deeply in the eyes and say those immortal words, “Will you marry me?”

That proposal just shouldn’t be texted or twittered.

Testicular cancer? No problem

There are many tough, challenging times in life, but the critical component in all of them is choosing how we are going to respond. In the silly movie Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story there is an exchange in a bar between Peter La Fleur the star player and Lance Armstrong the seven time Tour de France winner.

Peter is near the end of his desire to hang in there. His team is losing and his performance on the Dodgeball court has been abysmal. He is nursing a beer confiding to Lance Armstrong (A dodgeball fan by the way) that he has just quit.

“Quit?” Lance replies. “You know, once I was thinking about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer, all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and I won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying from that's keeping you from the finals?”

Peter with his head bowed low answers that it feels a bit like shame.

“Well,” Lance added, “I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life. But good luck to you Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.”

Giving in to the extremely tough times will haunt you forever. Getting up from them, gritting your teeth, and becoming stronger will bring a fullness of life and depth of accomplishments you couldn’t get any other way.

Three knee jerk reactions to stress

Stress in Crunch Time is the uneasy, often unhealthy agitation and energy that accompanies any change. We are prone to be reactive than proactive to its presence.  We then respond with three knee jerk reactions:

Retrench

We retrench as a strategy to win a war.  In reality it leads to our slaughter.  We learned from World War I that trench warfare is one of the most ineffectual and bloody ways to fight a battle.  It has become a byword for stalemate in conflict, with a slow wearing down of opposing forces.

We can’t win when we retrench.  Crunch time lobs an unrelenting barrage of changes at us that will not let up or ever be exhausted.  We end up being the losers, worn down, deflated, and defeated. 

Retreat

We retreat whenever we feel we are losing a battle.  Retreat is a reaction that constantly keeps us on the defensive.  When we retreat we cede ground to stress and project our timidity in the face of it.

As General George S. Patton Jr. used to say, “Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory.”
 
Resign

In the movie Braveheart, there is scene on the battlefield when William Wallace, realizing the over powering stress of the situation, resigns himself to defeat.

It is an agonizing scene to see whatever fight he had left escape his soul, expressed through a deadening tone in his eyes, the deflation of hope on his face as he capitulated into the hands of the enemy.

There are better ways to respond. One of the most potent is to Renew. More on that in the next post.

Become who you really are

There was an unemployed man looking for work. He found an opening at a zoo that was looking for someone to dress in a gorilla costume and sit in a cage. The real gorilla, the star attraction, had passed away and they didn't want to let the visitors know.

He figured he could that. He applied, got the job, and began to sit in the cage in the gorilla costume. He got bored so he began to jump around and act "gorilla like". He found out that the more animated he became with the gorilla moves, the more elated the audience became. He was intoxicated with the accolades, so he thought he would really work the crowd.

He began swinging on a vine, and on his third pass he slipped and flew right into the lion's cage. He realized he was in grave danger so he began to tell the audience that he really wasn't a gorilla, he was only dressing up in a costume and they needed to get help.

Before he could get the message completely out, the lion pounced on the man, pinned him to the ground and said, "Would you shut up! Do you want to get us both found out?!"

Most people spend the first half of their lives being what others expect them to be. They then spend the second half of their lives being what they were made for in the first place. But why wait til then to to become an authentic person? Becoming who you really are requires some bold moves.

First you must get out of your costume. Undress yourself from market definitions of who you are supposed to be. Become unbranded from product lines and become your own brand. Do the hard work of discerning what expectations from others are accurate and which are unreasonable. I think your gut knows the difference. This will make you a new person.

Then become free from your cage. If ignorance is bliss, then we have alot of contented people in the world. Don't believe everything you read or hear. Take the time to think and determine where you are being locked in by biases (yours and others), past disappointments and other restrictive components of life. Change and healing begins with you. Often our cages are locked from the inside.

Finally, venture out into the wild. The philosopher David Henry Thoreau said that the "mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." Often what is called resignation is in reality desperation. Out into the wild is really a part of the life you live now. To be out of your costumes and free from your cages opens a whole new adventure for the life you are already living. Doing this will give you a whole new purpose.

Welcome to the in-between world

It’s important to recognize where we are.  This is brand new stretch of water.  It’s Crunch Time, a disorienting moment of change rife with such extraordinary potentiality that people are faced with the transformative decision on how to get through it. Professor Walter Brueggemann writes that there are three major stages of orientation that reflect even the seasons of our own lives.

The first stage is being “securely oriented”. It is here that we feel settled and secure. Our lives make sense and the decisions we make are anchored in good judgement. This could be a time when your job seems secure and your family life is well ordered. Financially we are doing okay. Yet we know that this security never hangs around for long. Which leads us to the second stage.

The second stage is being “painfully disoriented”. These are times when we feel blind sided, hurt, and reeling from stress and the perceived enormity of change. Here you may have lost a job, a child, a divorce or some other chaotic and unexpected event. Yet if we persist in this movement, hang on with resilience, the third stage inevitable reveals itself.

This third stage is “surprising reorientated”. This stage is marked by surprise, the way things all seemed to work out for good and gives us something new out of something old. When we are in this stage, life seems renewed and our circumstances are compellingly welcomed. Over time this new place becomes settled and secure and we begin the process of moving through the stages all over again.

Right now we are in a stage of painful disorientation. We suddenly find ourselves in a tough new work and life environment.  We have drifted out of the current of a known world and into the vortex of a completely strange, new world. It's in-between what was and what will be. It will be surprising to see where this all leads us.

Uncharted waters

I can remember the birth of my first child. So many thoughts and feelings accompany that moment- will I be a good father?, what kind of world will he inherit?, am I going to be able to fund his hopes and dreams? can I change a diaper? will I gag on the stench?

That moment was freighted with many unknowns. My wife and I were about to set sail on the uncharted waters of parenthood. Could we do it? How were we going to navigate it? There was no shortage of advice and self-help books promising a compass to point us in the right direction. Yet parenting is messy business, it doesn't always follow accepted norms and patterns. Your final destination is hard to arrive at, let alone know where it is. We had to learn to navigate as we went along, conducting soundings along the way to chart our progress. 

In navigating the unknown waters of change today, there are helpful resources for the journey, but their applications in real life can be tenuous. So, you take soundings and periodically assess how you are doing. In essence, you make it up as you go- throwing out resources that don't work and improvising new ones that do. This requires resilience, the ability to adjust your course accordingly, and continue navigating successfully on the disorientation of uncharted waters. Those who are unable to adjust end up shipwrecked on an island of confusion and despair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The mauraders of change

A ship ladened with gold, silver, and precious jewels was on its way back to port when it was suddenly confronted by a pirate ship, skull and crossbones flag waving in the wind. The first mate asked the captain what they should do. The captain simply replied, "Bring me my red shirt". They repelled the pirates with out sustaining any casualties.

A few days later the ship was confronted not by one but by three pirate ships. The first mate asked the captain what they should do. His reply again was, "Bring me my red shirt". The captain fought valiantly and was an inspiration to the rest of the crew. They again held off the pirates with very few casualites.

That night as they were celebrating, the first mate asked the captain what the secret of the red shirt was. "It's quite simple," replied the captain. "I wear the red shirt because then the men won't see the blood from my wounds and will be inspired to continue to fight."

Another couple days went by when yet again they were confronted by pirate ships. The strength of the mauraders this time was an armada of ten ships. The first mate, in a panic, asked the captain what they should do. The captain answered, "First mate, bring me my brown pants."

There are many reasons today to wear our brown pants. The mauraders of change that bear down upon us can cause great fear and a trepidation:

The Financial Marauder: We are currently living in the worst economic times since the Great Depression of the 1930's. No one has been immune to its residual effects. People either are, or know someone who is, laid off or underemployed and struggling to make ends meet.

So we wear our brown pants.

The Technological Marauder: We live in a day and age of rapid technological advancement. It's exciting, but is still wrought with fear. Are we able to keep up with the accelerated innovations? As more and more functions are being taken over by technological automation, where does that leave the workforce? With the blending of fact and fiction, real and digital (atoms and bits) what does it mean to be human?

And so, we wear our brown pants.

The Environmental Maurader: The degredation of our natural habitat is quickening. The warming of the planet is causing frequent and powerful weather events. Earthquakes remind us that we are beholden to the natural moans and groans of our planet.

And so, we wear our brown pants.

The Educational Maurader: Our public school system is the focus of much critique. No matter how much money we throw at our concerns, education in the United States is lagging in many ways the rest of the world. The answer to the question, 'What does it mean to be well educated today?" does not seem to align with the answer of our current educational systems.

And so, we wear our brown pants.

These are just a few of the mauraders  that are sailing the waters of incredible change. We could come up with many more. The challenges and opportunities are all there before us, confronting our abilities to engage in significant ways. Fear is there, yes, but so too is the adrenaline of where we can go with these changes. The onus is on us to engage them with confidence and in ways that will better the world - or at least our little corner of it.

The definition of resilience

There are many popular attempts to summarize the challenges of everyday existence. Some of the more humorous ones are found on bumper stickers- insights boiled down to pithy statements. One I saw lately that made me laugh was, “there is no gravity, the earth sucks”. Quite an insight on life!
There are other avenues of course to describe life, from scholarly tomes to the movies (remember Forrest Gump and his “life is like a box of chocolates”?). My favorite description comes from a Jewish rabbi:

“Life is tough.   It takes up a lot of your time, all your weekends, and what do you get in the end of it?...I thing that the life cycle is all backward.  You should die first, get it out of the way.  Then you live twenty years in an old-age home.  You get kicked out when you’re too young.  You get a gold watch, you go to work.  You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy retirement.   You go to college; you party until you’re ready for high school; you go to grade school; you become a little kid; you play.   You have no responsibilities. You become a little baby; you go back into the womb; you spend your last months floating; and you finish up as a gleam in somebody’s eye.”

I love that! Today though, it seems as if the gleam is gone. So much going on so quickly it creates stresses and strains on a continual basis. That isn’t to say that there aren’t wonderful aspects of our times. There are many. It’s just that past comforts and ways of solving our problems are fast receding. What is needed today is a new orientation; a new way of being, thinking and doing that are effective in engaging contemporary challenges. We need a mental fortitude and emotional resolve that are up to the task. We also need behaviors that are appropriate to the moment. So how do we develop body, mind, and soul capable of taking advantage of the next round of changes? Through resilience.

Diane Coutu summarized the depth of resilience in an excellent Harvard Business Review article and described its dynamic this way:

“Resilience is a reflex, a way of facing and understanding the world, that is deeply etched into a person’s mind and soul. Resilient people and companies face reality with staunchness, make meaning of hardship instead of crying out in despair, and improve solutions from thin air. Others do not.”

Who you are as a person is revealed most tellingly by who you are during times of conflict and crisis.  It's you're ability to bounce back and thrive from life changing times.

Welcome to the outer limits

The old, funky television show “The Outer Limits” had one of the most creative openings I can remember. The screen you were watching would begin as a test pattern. Then suddenly it would begin to morph and act erratically as an ominous voice would begin to narrate,

“There is nothing wrong with your television set” it would intone, “Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. For the next hour we will control all that you see and hear. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to the outer limits.”

It seems today that we have entered a place in the outer limits. The speed of change is mind boggling. We are held captive to a test pattern and we feel as if we have no control over our situation and its extraordinary changes.

The subsequent anxiety often expresses itself as a vice-like compression deep in the gut. Our thoughts race around in our skulls first thing in the morning toward what seems an insurmountable finish line. Days become reflective, many times obsessive, about the state of our lives and the condition of our world.

It’s no wonder. I believe we are in an unprecedented time of change, the likes of which have been experienced only a few times before. It’s an evolutionary exclamation point in human history.

Alvin Toffler’s "Social Wave-Front Analysis" looks at history as a succession of rolling waves of change and asks where the leading edge of each wave is carrying us. It focuses our attention not so much on the continuities of history as on the discontinuities--the innovations and breakpoints.
The First Wave in human history was the agricultural revolution.  It was during this time we learned to cultivate the land and grow fruits and vegetables from seeds.  It lasted for thousands of years.

The Second Wave was the industrial revolution. During this time we learned to harness the energy of steam, coal, and oil to advance the ability of machines to make work more efficient and our lives more convenient.  This lasted for hundreds of years.

The Third Wave of human development is what Toffler calls the information age.  This movement is only decades in the making and we are still trying to catch up with the speed of its change and its far-reaching impact on what it means to be human.

This is our time…this is when we discover what we are really made of...

That's the irony. Our true character doesn't reveal itself when times are sedate or situations are easy. It emerges when we are brought to the brink of intense challenges.  What a great opportunity to strengthen our resolve and build the mental and emotional moxie such times require.

 

Look up and smile

I was walking my dog around the park by my house. Other people were doing the same- it was a nice day after all. I noticed that when people on the path going the opposite direction passed me, no one looked up, no one smiled. They kept to the tasks at hand - their walk and their dog. They seemed so serious.

Although, in all honesty, I found myself hesitant to look up and smile. There was an uneasiness to make human contact - to look up and smile. Why is that?. In my generational presentations I reference what sociologists call the "depersonalization of society". Take our neighbors as an example. My parents, and especially my grandparents, knew the first and last name of everyone on their block. When I ask members of the audience how many of them knew the first and last name of their neighbors, hardly any hands go.

I remember when the sniper attacks were occuring in Washington D.C. about six years ago. No one knew at that time who was randomly picking human beings off of parking lots and gas stations. The newscasts in Denver suggested that it could be someone as simple as your neighbor - "details at ten!".

Isn't true that we are scared of those we don't know? It seems we hardly know our own neighbors- and have become apprehensive of "the other".  We are a fearful society. Fearful of so many people and those who are unfamiliar to us. I find it rather sad.

So, I want to start a revolution to counter the depersonalization of society. I want to see if we might be able to reverse the process and become more like the social animals we are intended to be. Next time you walk by another human being, or find yourself in a room full of people you don't know, simply look up and smile. The next time I walk my dog, I am going to be very intentional about looking up and smiling at everyone I pass. Maybe it will catch on like a yawn, causing others to look up and smile with people they don't know. Take the initiative. Let's see what happens